The Act of Forgiveness-Leads to Self-Fulfillment

Forgiveness, what is it really?

Forgiveness is immense!

Throughout time and through the journey of our distinct lives, forgiveness can be seen or referred to as a gift, a gift that some of us hate giving. It can be a choice or an emotion that is a replica of our inner selves, however, trying to forget something a person has done is not an easy and simple thing to ‘put six feet under’. For some, it may take hours, days or even years to let go of grievances and bitterness and for others, well… they simply cannot wipe out the situation, especially serious incidents or regular occurrences. 

Forgiveness is a virtue but the way people perceive it is quite relative. Some people think that certain actions are explicable, hence forgiveness is warranted; ‘I didn’t mean to do it or say it, so forgive me’. While in some cases it can be so, others….. not so much.

 

 

Forgiveness is a commitment to an individual that he or she has been pardoned, where a process of change and a new start is ensued. Is it significant to give a soul another chance, since everyone make mistakes?

Nobody is perfect!

But what if their actions were intentional, where the main focus was to inflict pain and hurt, just to soothe their bruised ego, do we forgive them then?

Do we say, ‘They didn’t mean it’ when we are left with our tails tucked between our legs?

Forgiveness is personal and the act can and may have various meanings. Acceptance of apology may be forgiveness for some, while helping the other who hurt us to get out of the habit of ill-treatment may be a way for others.

 

 

Re-iterating, everyone makes mistakes, there is no perfect person. Therefore, forgiving others allows us to forgive ourselves when we commit our own follies and the act also grants us a sense of peace within ourselves.

We tend to lean on people who are close to us, people that we have opened our heart’s gates to; but what if those said people who are close to us betray or hurt us?

What do we do then?

Do we find it most difficult to forgive them?

The extent to which our trust is breached determines the ease or difficulty in forgiving. It is however; true that the more easily we forgive the other person, the less likely we shall smother ourselves by keeping bad intentions for the offender. We need to feed it into our system to let go, so that we do not stay annoyed and hurt for long (refers to self).

So all this talk about forgiveness, what do we actually do after we have made up our minds and hearts to forgive the offender?

Do we forgive and forget?

Do we forgive and carry-on as if nothing happened?

Or do we entertain and occupy the same space as such person/s? (A major struggle)

Learning to accept other’s flaws can/may create healthy relationships. Forgiving someone takes a vast ability and willingness before we can totally say that we have forgiven a person. It sometimes is a conflicting process between the soul and mind, because at the end of the day, while some people may think water runs through other’s veins and not blood, we all ‘FEEL’ and that ‘FEEL’ can manifest itself in so many ways, both positive and negative and let’s be real; when we hurt, the human side kicks in instantly and we may/will retaliate. This at times will do more bad than good, as we trying to make ourselves feel better about the hurt that we are experiencing. We don’t necessarily think, ‘Oh golly! I am going to forgive the culprit right away!’

 

 

While forgiving someone  for the bad things that they have done to us may take years (is there a limit or time frame to forgive?), it is a progression that will, over time help our soul heal from all the hatred that we have developed towards the person (Or towards ourselves).

Forgiveness is a divine act and should be granted (Within means?). Within our souls and minds, there will always be a space for people’s mistakes or wrong doings; therefore, there will always be a chance to forgive them.

At the end of it all, having compassion and tolerance, helps us feel light and aids us in getting rid of hard feelings that occupy our mind and heart and infect our peace of mind. Forgiveness is a way to self-fulfillment. People who can readily forgive others are much more responsible and satisfied inside than those who hold on to grudges against others and develop feelings of animosity. But while forgiveness is granted, it doesn’t give you instant backstage access to being apart the person’s life. There is no obligation present there. And while we sit and eat away at ourselves (While the offender/s are going about their lives quite happily), the feeling of anguish will only result in arguments, fights, mistreatment and sometimes a horrible outcome, war. Those who forgive help create positive energy which in turn leads to a better world.

 

Forgive not for the offender, but for yourself!

One is the loneliest number

An elderly couple that I knew, who only had each other in this great big wonderful world, was hit with the sad reality that one had to go without the other. The husband had a series of illnesses, which was quite clear that the inevitable was quickly approaching. He died a few weeks ago and I started reflecting on the thought of being alone and of the wife and what she must be going through.
He has left this earth and now the wife stands by herself, all alone in the world. The one person that completely understood her and had spent the last thirty years of her life with, is now gone, never to return.

So I ask the questions, do we fully understand being alone versus loneliness? Is it ok to go through life singing the ‘I can do bad all by myself anthem?’

Many people enjoy being alone. I do sometimes, but we are not wired to be alone, we crave companionship. We readily welcome any form of human contact within our lives.

For some the line between being alone and lonely is a very thin one that is crossed ever too often. We squeeze the two together into one and chalk it up to ‘finding ourselves.’ Nothing is wrong with that, as many people are introverts and find it difficult to be around people and have to figure out who they are as an individual.

An astonishing amount of individuals has a significant fear of being alone (myself included), to an extent. This doesn’t mean that some of us do not know how to be or function by ourselves. It just means that we enjoy a steady human contact (No! not sex, it’s not always about sex). My spouse and I can just sit in each other’s presence, not say a word and be content with the knowledge that we are physically present in the moment.

It’s a scary yet exciting world out there and it’s even scarier to travel and explore it alone.

We may fear being without our families, our friends or our significant others. This is a natural feeling and we have all felt it at some point in time in our lives and we may even try desperately to avoid dealing with it, which can lead to immense misery within us.

We all desire the need for that one person who knows our scariest secrets (you don’t? Well… I do) and who will always be there no matter the circumstances to catch us when we fall; that one person that we can rely on at all times.
But with this desire comes an enormous liability towards others as well as towards ourselves in that, we first have to learn to be by ourselves and enjoy it; without this a relationship can become primarily flawed, because there is a great dependent on one person, which can become quite overbearing.

We must learn to find a sense of freedom in isolation, where we can stand on our own and be content with ourselves first, before we can join in union with another human being (#selfLove).

Some individuals are so into themselves that they over compensate loneliness. I have heard where persons state that they are not afraid of being alone, yet they ‘monkey bar’ their way through life from one partner to another, not taking the time to really get to know who they are as a person and being true to who they are. Now I am not judging, if that works for you, then hats off to you.

Being lonely in my opinion is never a good thing.

1. Loneliness is the seclusion that comes with an unmet expectation, results… such feeling      are not returned.
2. Loneliness is screaming within and no one is there to calm the storm.
3. It is the sense of emotional abandonment.
4. Loneliness leads to you blaming yourself for everything in your life.
5. You become so disconnected from everyone and everything.
6. You become dependent on others for your happiness.
7. You become so restless to the point where you become so rooted in fear.

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Now imagine going through life dealing with some if not all the above?
Is that a healthy way to live?

Loneliness is a state of mind and it doesn’t depend on other people, it simply means that there is something empty within us. It can even be portrayed as a chronic illness.

Some may even say you could be surrounded by lots of friends and families and still be lonely, but atleast there is someone there to ‘pass yuh a cup of wata and two pill if yuh head a hurt yuh.

While it’s great and dandy to be in tune with ourselves and be caught up in your own world, it remains that in order to function effectively around another individual, we have to try and keep our thoughts positive and our minds clear. This will then allow us to intertwine ourselves with another individual and function for the betterment of the two of you.
I am not saying to go find someone and dump your entire burden on them and even settle for someone who doesn’t make you happy, but you stay in fear of being alone, however, it’s necessary to try and deal with such issues before they move from an ant hill to a mountain and spiral out of control.

Companionship is an essential part of life. I take pleasure in the fact that I have that one person who knows my inner most thoughts, who has seen me at my worst, who has cheered me on my best and who has been there through thick and thin and while I have close family members and friends, everyone is off doing their own thing, building their own lives, some even, trying to keep their heads above water, some…. just simply going through life.

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It’s an amazing feeling, knowing well that you will always have that one person who will always be there for you, who if life prolongs or allows it, will sit together and read the paper (well… there might not be tangible reading materials then) and who you will soak your dentures in a glass of water with, in essence, that one person you will grow old with.

And when the inevitable comes, that one person will be by your side, heart wrenching, tears rolling down but holding your hand as you depart this world.

Just like the elderly couple, who only had each other even up to the end. I am sure that while it’s scary for the wife to be left standing alone, she took great comfort in knowing that she had fond memories of her husband, she was with him every step of the way, right up to the end. #truelove

Has chivalry evolved or is it merely put… dead?

I am a pretty modern individual, but I have a lot of old fashion ways core values in me (Yes! I grew up with my grandmother). While I appreciate every aspects of ‘girl power’ certain core roles are still important within a relationship, be it intimate or social.

Being independent is an awesome feeling and it is super attractive, however, is it an excuse that we kill the code of conduct within a relationship? Chivalry is an elegant and attractive character one could have. Does this mean that the relationship have to be intimate and serious before, you can hold the door? And when I say intimate, I don’t mean a ‘slam-bam, thank you madam’ kind of intimacy.

Most modern women are very independent in life and in love, but I would gather that they want someone who will still treat them like ladies, like a delicate flower; however, chivalry has become increasingly rare.

But who is to be blamed for this untimely passing? Is it dead or has it evolved? Is it in a coma somewhere, waiting to take its last breath, due to the rise of feminism? Even so, does being a feminist dictates that chivalry should take a back seat?

 

 

Relationships now-a-days are built solely on social stigma and every details of such relationship is plastered all over social media for all to see. No one courts anymore. The idea is that, if money is spending, then the ‘goods’ should be running, otherwise it’s a waste of time and of course money. Spending money on a nice dinner does not automatically means you will be getting anything in return. It may guarantee you a second date, at least. ‘Oh, you bought a $24 meal at Olive Garden, well there goes the under garments.’ Gone are the days, when a guy would have to court a girl a few months before getting a ‘chups’ on the lips. Now as soon as the date has started, the expectation of intimacy is significantly high.

Chivalry in my opinion is very important in relationships (and I am strong feminist). It shows character and it shows that the person is not just solely into you for a ‘quick meal’.

 

 

A few pointers to consider:

  1. Simply holding the door – You step out or into a building and someone is behind you, do you let the door go and perhaps let it hit them or do you hold it to let whomever through? Do you expect something in return for such a kind gesture? Is it going to be the death of you if you do?
  2. Getting the car when it’s raining – my spouse and I went out and it was raining real hard. I was in heels and obviously it would have taken me a longer time to get to the car. She walked in the rain, got the car and parked as close as possible to the side walk, just so I could get as little wet as possible. Enough said.
  3. Avoiding games – A relationship isn’t a game! Say what you want and mean it. Don’t beat around the bush, climb the mountain, cross the river and the valley before saying clearly what is it that you want. This doesn’t mean you are going to force what you want down someone’s throat. Show your interest with small gestures, even large ones and mean it. Playing around is very old and tired.
  4. Little here and there public gestures – holding hands are a big deal for a lot of individuals, especially women. It shows that you are not afraid to show the world that he/she is yours and you are proud. A little peck is a big plus too, but don’t go over board to the point where a room is required.
  5. Being respectful – Now this is a major deal, better yet it is the most important thing there is. Respect goes a long way and if your significant other does not respect you, then honey, hit the road. Not having respect in any form of relationship is a recipe for disaster.
  6. Stepping up/in during awkward situations – Offer your seat to the elderly lady who just got on the bus and has to stand or to the pregnant lady who is holding on for dear life as the bus turns and bounced about around the corner. Even though you are freezing, offer up your jacket.

We have become so self-satisfied that we have forgotten the little gestures that help our relationships grow into better ones.

We have fallen prey to the independent anthem of ‘not needing anyone’s help’ but then when ‘a come bang’ text is sent the feeling of being used for only sex arises. what gives?

Some individual like the ‘no strings attached mentality ‘where a ride home in the morning and a crois-sandwich is needed and we will just carry on on our merry way as if nothing happened last night.

There is no ‘right’ way to court someone these days, because it has now become abnormal to do so. It’s not a one-size fits all approach. Most women like to be wined, dined and romanced, be a knight is shining armor, just the like the good ole fashion days. The rest… well…may think that the other person is trying too hard or he hasn’t ask for sex, so he is not into me. In other words, what one woman may see as courtly, the other may see it as offensive or pitiful (I wonder what is that they seek out of a relationship?).

We live in a society where the hookup culture is now customary , where some women are willing participants. We blame feminism for our lack of understanding the simple code of conduct in how to act. Being a feminist should not hinder chivalry. Embrace a woman’s independence and at the same time show her that you can take care of her, if needs be. For the most part, the majority of women does enjoy a chivalrous relationship where they are the ones that hold the cards, however, it is up to them to act accordingly (act lady-like), and when they do, the first dinner will not be from a takeout menu.

 

 

 

 

Are you being ‘TRUTHFUL’ to yourself?

Firstly, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

How do you view yourself on a daily basis? Now-a-days I see a lot of persons promoting self love and self praise and to an extent promoting a high self esteem. In all fairness, that is a good way to boost yourself and not caring how others see you or feel about you, but are you being true to yourself or is it just a facade?

Have you ever wondered about what having a good self-esteem is and how to get more of it or if you do, how to maintain it?

Do you think your self-esteem is low? Do you know how to tell? Do you know what to do about it?

So it begs the question, what really is self esteem and what can we learn from having it?

Self-esteem is plainly “How do you feel about who you are as an individual?”

It can be classified as:

  • Situational  self esteem, which tends to be dependent on our various environment, circumstances, where it fluctuates between high and low or sometimes just… ‘meh’
  • Global self esteem, this tends to be a constant factor, that affects individuals differently.

Back in high school, my self esteem fluctuated on a daily basis. As kids we can be beyond cruel towards each other and we would do and say things that would pack a serious punch to the other individual’s emotions and not care, because we care more about what we feel personally than what the other individual is feeling and as long as our self esteem is intact that is all that matters. This however, can and will give rise to low self esteem in others and can impact individual/s negatively in the future to come.

Low self-esteem is casting a negative judgement of oneself or even casting it on others to make yourself look and feel good. This usually occurs when some circumstance we encounter in our life touches on our sensitivities and bring us to our ‘lows’. We then personalize these incidents and in turn experience physical and emotional difficulties. With such strong internal feelings we respond in ways that may be defeating and destructive to ourselves and others-in other words, we may lash out. Sometimes because we are so confused our actions are impulse driven and we create chaos and hurt-sometimes not really meaning it. Our thinking and mindset becomes so blocked and tunnel focus that our self care deteriorates and we tend to loose ourselves. Our focus now becomes controlling and self absorbed and with such a mindset we bring others down as well, in an attempt to help us feel better about ourselves.

Some of us who prance around being all high and mighty and thinking that we are better than the average ‘Joe’ are living a life of facades. We are so caught up with making sure that we are ‘OK’ and is ‘doing better’ than the other person, that we spend our time evoking negativity and being ‘bad-mind’. We then overcompensate for our insecurities and  portray a well organized and great life.

Truth sometimes is-We may think that a person with a successful career and life, who seems very productive has good self-esteem. But sometimes, that may not be the case. Sometimes, those individuals who are striving for superiority may be attempting to overcome deep-seated feelings of inferiority. And it can be possible that their success is a way of compensating for their “low” self-esteem. Now, I am not saying that, that is the case and everyone who is successful at their careers are hiding low self esteem issues, but are you truly living your life for you? Is what you are portraying on the outside reflective of what you are truly feeling on the inside? Are you putting other people down just for the sake of success?

Not everyday we are going be ‘all happy go lucky’ however, in the event that our self esteem drops to a low, what is it that we do about it to get back up again?

  • Do we turn to alcohol and drugs?
  • Do we tear down another individual/s
  • Do we lock ourselves away from reality?
  • Do we become overbearing and demanding?
  • Do we become dependent and selfish?
  • Do we sit  and comfortably blame others for our problems?
  • Are we afraid of risk and challenges?
  • Are we easily manipulated?
  • Are we resistant to change and growth?
  • Do we continue to possess a negative attitude on a daily basis?

What is it that we do, to attempt to fix these issues within ourselves?

  1. For starters, if you are an avid drinker, try and get sober. There are many groups to assist with such behaviors. Alcohol makes us feel good for the moment, but if we rely solely on it, we may be heading for a downward spiral from which we may not be able to retrieve ourselves.
  2. Try and make genuine and positive lifestyle choices and stick to them.
  3. Sometimes being too proud can be our own downfall. We internalize and personalize stress, which evokes negativity towards ourselves and/or others. Try to identify any form of triggers that may lead us to this point.
  4. Pay attention to the familiarity of the impulse, stop and take a breather and take notice of the present. 
  5. Try to choose calm and positive responses. Act or react in a self-caring and effective way. 
  6. Develop skills where we can provide for our own safety and others, try to give hope, try tolerate confusion, and most of all raise self-esteem. 
  7. Take each actions, step by step and day by day.

The higher our self-esteem is, the less likely we seek the need to be validated by others. Because we know our value and self-worth, we realize that it can only really come from within our own selves. In return we allow for our self-esteem not to be easily influenced and manipulated by others.

On the other hand, individuals with low self-esteem believe that they can and need to  ‘win’ someone’s approval or permission, thereby establishing their self-worth. In the end, the rewards never last for very long and those who give their approval and validation can easily take it away, because they see that they are in control and if they say “jump” the response would be “How high?”. This will further weaken a person’s sense of personal power and control over their lives, which can then yield resentments, frustrations, anger, depression, and a negative attitude in general.

Bottom line is to always be true to oneself and know your self worth. Don’t watch what the other person has/have, every individual’s path to success is different. And if you falter along the way, because we are all not perfect, take a minute and breath, but don’t ‘wallow ‘ in it. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and keep it moving. Always try to strive for a positive frame of mind and surround yourself with positive thinking individuals.

In the end…. You will be ‘OK’.