Not a Daddy’s Girl

Luther Vandross’ song Dance with my father again, is a very powerful song, well at least for me. The words of the song has a lot of meaning as well as the video. I find that song to be very touching, touching in a way where I will never know what it is like to have a father, much-less to dance with. I mean, I do have a father, however, I do not have a father, if you understand what I mean.

I would consider myself a typical Jamaican fatherless individual. My mother and grandmother were/is my mother and father.

 

I have no clue as to why my father was not not in my life and is still not in my life and the funny thing is I know about him and so does he.

My mom had me at what one would consider a young age and I suppose my father figured that she could take care of me by herself and therefore, I would not need a him around.

To be honest, it did not really bother me as much as a child growing up, because living in Jamaica and growing up without a father in the home was the norm. As I got older, I began to wonder why I did not have my biological father around. I would see him once in a blue moon and then he would just disappear into thin air (the last time I saw him was at 13 years old and that was after another 6 or 7 years of him missing in action). I had absolutely no connection to him and my mother tried very hard to shield me from the ‘hurt’. For me it felt like I was maybe odd and I was not wanted by him. Funny thing is, I am his only daughter, imagine that!

I use to search the papers in hopes of seeing his name and would be able to contact him. It never happened. Like I said he vanished into thin air.

He did not even try to locate me at no point in time. Every  time the blue moon would appear and I would see him, it would be by the biding of my mother.

How can you have a child/children and not wonder how they are, how they eat, how they sleep, better yet if they are still alive? I am perfectly sure I was not conceived by my mother only.

I eventually dealt with the fact that I was fatherless and whenever I was asked about my father, I would say “I don’t have one.” I still don’t. Maybe harsh to the ears, but it’s the truth.

Father’s day of 2004, Luther Vandross’ song was playing and my heart got so heavy, realization hit and I made up my mind to accept that I was a one parent child. That day I decided that I was going to stop looking and searching, because the man that is suppose to be my father, did not want me to be in his life. He did not want to be found, well…. by me.

Fast forward to today…

I will never see myself as a daddy’s girl. I would see various persons talk about their dad and be all happy and I would think good for them. I get angry every time I hear of him or his name. My grand father passed and it cemented the fact that I do not want to deal with my father. Because of him, I had no connection with my grandparents. Yes, I have his contact information and he has mine (after years of not seeing him or contacting him), but I do not feel or see the need to deal with him.

Some may say a lot about me and who I am stems from that, my partner thinks so. In truth and in fact, I am not even sure I have processed the whole thing. What is there to process anyways? I think I have gone numb on that aspect of my life.

It is the norm to not grow up with a father. Wait…. I did have a father, my mom.

In essence, I will never be a daddy’s girl!